------<>------

Dear ,
I almost wish you would f*** this up
so that I could rely on self-pity again
how it says "everyone will leave and hurt
but I never will, I will always stay"
it sits on my shoulder like a green goblin
makes me want to ruin my chances
I have no chances
because I deny their existence
it's a lot easier to hate and condemn yourself
than have this childish faith for hope
I push my loved ones away
cus I believe they're better off without me
I even wish they'd realize it themselves
and save me from the trouble
I want to forget people who've hurt me
but I'm too kind for that
so my mind is boiling with bitter and hatred
I'm no good for nobody
yet nobody is good enough for me
and my agony
because it's too hard to understand
I can't even understand it myself
the harder I try, the more frightened I become
you would be scared too
if you realized yourself, how fucked up you truly are
Pride prevents me from seeking help
and the love and hate I feel
towards myself, stronger than towards others
everything still belongs to me
though nothing really does
I can't control what I really want
I avoid my friends I no longer have
I hate my ex-lovers who want to be friends
nobody can see
that I only live for
self-deception
I live for something
that will kill me in the end,

Yours Truly,

INdEr 

my greif

So today I opened up an album
Scanned the worn pages, flipped them one by one
Discarded pictures I haven’t seen in ages
Warm faces in places around the country
Soon I stopped looking, somehow I found her
I raised the picture up from its crypt
Blew a whistle, saluted the brunette chick
Vermillion lips, and great bone structure
She was short but her heart compensated
Pic’s good, but her fixed stare complicates it
Features whiter than feathers of a dove
Her bold blue eyes are a fragile reservoir
That leak slowly like bad pipes that drip in sinks
As I search her pupils for a response
The only answer I receive is silence
Feelings come back like women to abusers
Emotions flood the entrance of my chest
Submerging my organs to there last breath
When I see her I think of Nostalgia
The memory is grim but she isn’t death
I don’t feel bad I just feel the regret

m not brOken..!

Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello…..o

I am the lie,living for you so you can hide
Don't cry…y!!!

M not broken m just hopeless m not hopeless!!!

....m just caught up wIth some emotIons I gotta cope wIth

I leave my self open and get my heart stolen,

I am a good man but It seems lIke m the only one who knows It!!

M overdosIng on guIlt ,so I beat myself to the ground ,

I pIck myself back up and beat myself down....

for all dose shIt u just  gave me… get away from me u remaIn healthy!!!

M holdIng to the past and gettIng nothIng,

I struggle to let It go and I am fIghtIng wIth all my muscle....

Its not Its not easy...belIeve me,

I am tryIng and feel lIke dyIng ...

I am hIdIng behInd the smIle to keep myself from cryIng..

Its lIke m under fermented lIke a dead body...stIll If I ever hurted ....

u know u have my bIggest apology!!

But rIght now I want to be lonely,

m tryIng to fIx myself so don’t talk to me lIke u know me......please!!!!

Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello…..o

I am the lie,living for you so you can hide
Don't cry…y!!!

Now, take a look at my eyes... See the tears that I have crIed.. 
years I have trIed to overcome the paIn that kept me stIll alIve..

I keep'em InsIde.... The reason screamIng InsIde......

just thought It'l be leaner wIth tIme!!

Stay posItIve ....I keep tellIng myself but how could u help...
If u never been through ur lIfe wat I felt!

Keep my head up!!!  I trIed too but m fed up...

once wakIn up at 7 and makIn fun tIll late 11

And now when I go to sleep I feel manIc.....wake up In panIc...I
cant even sleep wIthout takIn the fuckIn sannIc,

what Is the matter  wIth me???

wIll tell u when I fInd out...

m stIll flowIng m not broken ,

I dont need u,

I wont b drown....!!

Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello…..o

I am the lie,living for you so you can hide
Don't cry…y!!!

nw u may be knw why I kept my phone off or leaved it at home!!! 
dont even talk about It......

just leave me alone...

m tryIng to fIx my self so dont talk to me lyk u knw me please.....

It always  be more worst as m very unfortunate at many  places,
even tragedy approaches wIth dIff. Faces, dIff. Places....
and with dIff. Cases...how could people turn back....

And m sIck how my mood swItches on dIff. Days...
m sIck of sayIng and sIck lIstenIng...
so wrItIng but all my fInger blIsterIng...
and m spItIng even If people not lIstenIng...!!!

M half of It...m stagnant between depressIon and happIness
usIng medIcatIon for  battlIng...I have to put off people who dont get..
all these tryIn to change me...Is there no one who could sImply accept me?
M just tryIn to keep It real and let u knw how I feel so many cuts I got ,
some r too deep to ever heal...so here I am wIth all my Issues and scar tIssues...
the true me,just sImply trIed to be honest wIth u...!

Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello…..o

I am the lie,living for you so you can hide
Don't cry…y!!!